Well Spent Time

I went down to Kentucky for a total of a day. I have to say that it was one of the best days that I have had in a while. But let me add that life hasn't been horrible lately. I have been having a great time for a little while now. I have felt so loved and cherished. I mean, dang, my anniversary was this month and my birthday is a few days away.

There has to be something said for days when you have a quiet, fun, comfortable, non-rushed and non-stressed time. With your mom. That you have always had to share.

We had planned our day for a while. Pops watched Carson and we took Madeline. The madre bought me my freedom (breastpump) and accessories for it. It's kinda a big deal!

Madeline

I'm just starting to feel tired from the trip. It took only a little over 2 hours to get down and 3 hours to come back up. Carson screamed at me the whole way back to Ohio, causing Madeline to get upset. That wasn't fun. I have to say that it is so worth it. I'm sure people think I'm crazy to keep going back and forth to Kentucky all the time, but I can't express enough how important family is to me.

I have put a lot of my insecurities aside when it comes to anyone spending longer periods of time with my little kids and I've just done it. I feel bad that I don't have my kids all the time, but I can't deny the grandparents relationships with these awesome kids that I have. I also need a little break now and again.

Videos of the Kids

Bad Driving

I have written a good bunch of blogs in my head and I always forget them or I put them on the back burner until I have a big enough opinion about them. But driving is always a hot topic for me.

Since every time I go out I have to deal with horrible drivers, I have to start wondering if *I'm* the bad driver. I'll admit that there are times when I'm not paying attention or I'm distracted. I have even checked my phone from time to time.

For the most part, I really strive to be a defensive driver. I don't go too fast or too slow. I always watch where I am and how many cars are around me. Who is tailing me, and if I'm three seconds behind the car in front. I always know for sure that the car behind me is a half a second. They are always too close.

This past Wednesday, I pulled out of the mcfatdonald's driveway (I got myself a half cut tea in case you're wondering) onto a four lane road, two lanes going my way, two lanes going the opposite and a turning lane in the middle. Hold on, is that technically a five lane road? Whatever.

I don't get that far and I'm slamming hard on my brakes. There is just a general commotion going on. This huge thing is cutting in front of me, turning into the lanes going opposite me. I was at a complete stop knowing for sure that I was about to get hit (even though I would be doing the hitting) and I realized it was a tow truck. How ironic. This truck was maybe a foot away from my front bumper.

I'm sitting there trying to figure out if I had just done something wrong, if it would have been my fault. Like, golly, I must be a horrible driver if I'm having these experiences every single time I go out. Then I look around. The tow truck driver is shaking his head, he looks so angry. The car behind me also had to stop (he should have been following that three second rule), and the opposing traffic is at a stop too.

I mean, this is all happening so fast. I realize this guy almost caused a pile up, I honk my horn, angrily. I had my babies in the car. I'm quietly pissed. I said something out loud about an idiot, then realized Carson would probably repeat anything I said.

I drove on. I went to the library with my babies and thought about how sucky people are. That guy must have been sitting there for so long and got fed up and just went. But how would he have felt if the first car that slammed in to him had a 2-month-old and a 1-year-old (plus some change) inside and something happened to them. 

I wish I had been able to catch the company logo on the tow truck. I hope one of the people around me did.

A Good Morning

I feel pretty good today. Like I told my mom, I think I stopped feeling sorry for myself this morning.

Or it could just be that I actually woke up, got a few things done, took Sehara to the bus stop and had fun with her on the way. Then I got back here and put the recycling out, fed Madeline, got Carson up and cleaned him up and then played with him, too. Like, I actually got on the floor and chased him. Tim woke up in a good mood as well and that helped. I helped Carson interact with Madeline gently and successfully. I even fed Carson breakfast (I usually pass him to Grandmama for that).

It's a complicated process to have all of our ducks in a row. I'm glad they lined up this morning.

Non Announcement

I have a few general rules in life but I'm only going to talk about one in this blog post.

Don't announce your pregnancy until you're in the safe zone.  I've always said it and I think I will continue to.

I understand my opinion may be different than yours and you may have announced it as soon as you found out and that's fine...for you. Everybody is different. Different strokes, folks.

It is excruciating when I have been pregnant to wait the whole 40 weeks, but let me tell you, I don't want to wait for your whole 40 weeks.

Heck, some of my best friends have done this to me. Now, I don't get upset or anything and I'm always thrilled beyond measure and I always will be, it's just my rule.

I have only squeaked about my pregnancy early to two people. And that was the last one. And it was because I was shocked.

But really, it boils down to this for me: the only thing more frightening than announcing a pregnancy, would be having to announce a miscarriage.

It would be so hard. I don't wish that on anyone. So, think about that.

About Juicing

You know, I don't really like juice. I think the concept is fine and all that, but I don't enjoy drinking juice.

I know this may come to you as a very random thought, but, it's really not.

I feel fat. I feel so fat, and I can't work up the motivation to go run in the snow with my newborn to lose the weight. Mind you, it's only about 10 lbs for now that I want to lose. I don't have a breast pump to go to a gym and I don't have the time to figure something else out (or the energy).

I tried doing some workout videos, I ended up getting in Carson's way. By the time he went down for a nap, Madeline woke up. When I got her settled and happy, Carson woke up again. It happens everyday. Really.

Those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

But, I am going to "juice". I don't want to strictly juice, I want to eat real food too AND I don't want my body to "detox" because of the breastfeeding. If I strictly juice, I'm pretty sure I'll go through a detox. It's not really as scary as it sounds.

I'm only writing this because I want to be held accountable. I usually don't write or talk about it in case I screw up.

I'm not starting yet, I'm going to let my taste buds get used to them. Tim and I tried buying all the organic fruits and vegetables and literally juicing them and it didn't work. It was too much work. We don't have a nice enough blender to put them in either. So, I'm buying the pre-made organic ones that have a bit more sodium than I like but I'm drinking them anyway. Organic does matter.

Don't judge me.

Anger

It doesn't take a lot to get angry these days. I find myself getting mad every time I get behind the wheel, getting dressed, going shopping, playing with my kids. I really have to fight it so I don't take it out on other people. It's a constant battle and I hate it. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I don't like that I spend so much time working through it so it goes away.
Anger drains my energy. It drains my energy everyday.  I hate being mad at my kids for being kids, at my husband for being himself and at myself for being so horrible all the time.
I just don't know what to do!

Tutu Baby Shower

Welcome to my tutu baby shower! Everything was handmade by my friend and it was so cute and very well done!  The original tutu idea came from pinterest, we are a dance family, so it fits us.

I'll post pictures of the invitations and thank you notes in another post!

Blessings Abundant

I have had a few pretty bad days. I had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. It's just been bad. Today I decided to make myself count my blessings instead of dwelling in my head about all the crap I shove down so I don't have to deal with it.

So, I put Madeline down on the floor on a blanket for the first time and played with her. Then Carson woke up and was pretty confused as to why she was on the floor but he still played, too.  Sehara was busy riding her bike. Today was rather warm...

I'm letting Carson kiss Madeline again. It's been rough teaching him to stay off her, but for her safety, it's important. I don't want my kids to fight with each other, I don't want them to have that kind of relationship. It's inevitably going to happen between some, I know, but I'm trying to prevent it now.

She's 7 weeks old tomorrow! She's as cute as a button too. She observes a lot and soaks it in. She doesn't like to be cold or uncomfortable and she'll let you know if she is. I like that... a little honesty goes a long way.

They took a mini nap together, although neither was aware of it. Carson was out like a light when I laid her next to him and she fussed a minute then calmed down. I even got a few minutes to nap. Seems to me that as soon as I doze, one wakes up.

I've got a lot to be thankful for. Look at my little family! We are nowhere near perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we're awesome and that's great. I'm glad I'm in a better mindset today to realize this. I have more than I've ever had and I ought to be happy about it.

Dollhouse

When I was a little girl, there were a few things I wanted. I wanted new things, instead of hand-me-downs and I wanted a dollhouse. The new things I wanted weren't specific, I just wanted some new things instead of always having used things. I mean, clothes were high on that list, but you know, nothing too specific.  As a parent, I love used clothes for my kids! As long as they look nice and are stain-free, mine weren't.

The dollhouse didn't have to be new, heck, it didn't even have to be in great condition. I just always wanted one. I'd like to imagine that if I had one I would have treated it very nicely and taken great care of it. I may not have even played with it for fear of breaking it. Who knows...I never got one.

halfway assembled dollhouse

Sehara got one for Christmas this year. It was our big gift to her, quite literally. It's what she really wanted. Her asking for one really took me back to my childhood. Every time I see a dollhouse I yearn for it and I figured she may as well have one.

After the Christmas rush and her Uncle Dan helped her set it up, I realized that I gave in to her because it was something I never had. I mean, I knew it when we bought it but I pushed it down because every little girl needs a dollhouse. Right? I'm not sure I made the right choice.  It's almost as tall as she is and she treats it well. All her Barbie things are set up nicely around it.

But the rest of her room is trashed like she doesn't care about any of it.  It's a daily struggle to get her to straighten things up, treat her clothes like they should be treated, and just pick other things up. It sucks.

I just think about all the things I wanted as a kid and Sehara has them and doesn't even care.

It breaks my heart.