Anger

It doesn't take a lot to get angry these days. I find myself getting mad every time I get behind the wheel, getting dressed, going shopping, playing with my kids. I really have to fight it so I don't take it out on other people. It's a constant battle and I hate it. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I don't like that I spend so much time working through it so it goes away.
Anger drains my energy. It drains my energy everyday.  I hate being mad at my kids for being kids, at my husband for being himself and at myself for being so horrible all the time.
I just don't know what to do!

I've Had Enough

There is something I have been thinking about for a while and I need to get it off my mind.

There is a line between being strict or stern and being mean.  I'm not sure how thick or fine it is, but there is no reason it should be crossed when you're dealing with an 8 year old (or around that age or my children, period).  I cross it all the time with Sehara, but I am her mom and I am around her the most.  There is no reason anyone else in this world should step over that line and snap at my child or say bad things about her or physically touch her in a negative way, and that includes pulling her arm.

I am so sick of it.  I understand people can get frustrated with her pretty quickly, I get it. Like I said, I have been around her most and I really do understand.  That still doesn't justify stepping over that line, no matter how frustrated you are.  There is nothing wrong with Corrective Feedback and I urge people to give that to Sehara but anything else is inappropriate and will not be tolerated.

I see it most at Church, and it breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time.  Church should be a safe place...

I have my backbone again and I fully plan on saying how I feel about it if anyone chooses to act on their frustration. You really have been forewarned, korny as that sounds.

Here it Goes, Again...

If you aren't used to my angry blog posts, then you may not want to read this. Actually, if you have read one of them, you may  not want to read this...

I've tried to take a step back from all these different situations and look at them objectively, but that's bull crap. You can't do that.

I used to curse, a lot. Then I became mormon and stopped, except for the occasional slip up. When I stopped being mormon, I barely cursed at all.  There was no need for it, I had learned my lesson and I grew up. I am insinuating that cursing comes with immaturity, yes. This is going somewhere, trust me.  When I met Tim I knew he was a keeper by a lot of different things, one of them being his lack of using profanity.  I admired that.  Unfortunately, I do have a really bad habit of letting them loose when I am so livid that I just can't take it anymore.  That's lack of self control.

It takes a lot to control what comes out of your mouth when you're beyond mad, and not just those words, also things that may be hurtful...  I still do curse when I get to that point, but not even close to what it was even a year ago. I JUST GET SO MAD.  I'll own up to it.

In my mind, that doesn't justify making it okay to curse in front of my children, ever.  I used to, but I'm a better person now.

Anyway, I got called the big "B" word in front of my husband, Sehara, and Carson on Sunday.  It was definitely not called for and that girl was completely wrong.  Look, I own up to my crap and I'll apologize when I know I'm wrong, but I wasn't wrong in this situation.  I was trying to teach Sehara shopping cart etiquette (I made that up) and I was telling her to say "excuse me" when we got in the way or needed to go around someone.

Ugh. I had just put Carson back in the cart in his carseat, Tim had just gotten off work, and Sehara had one hand on the side (we are still on that phase...) and we were rounding the corner. This girl about my age with a guy around the same age clearly sees us and almost runs into us.  She had the "You move out of my way" tattitude. I said the "excuse me" and "oh, I'm sorry" and she gives me the dirtiest look, ever.  Okay.  So I said "Wow, thanks for being rude". 

"You're the rude one, B___"

Uh-uh.  I whipped around and yelled at her that "I was the one that said I was sorry" and she kept walking. Chicken.  Look, I don't go out looking for fights, but I won't stand for that ish.  That pissed me off soooo badly.  What a skank.  I tried to play it off like she probably had a bad day because she was looking raunchy before we almost collided.

The biggest problem that I had with it was she did it in front of Sehara and Sehara caught it and asked me if I had heard "that girl call you the b word, I can't believe she did that" all night long.

I firmly believe that you should move out of the way for the elderly, for handicapped people (fat people don't count) and people who are pregnant and/or have babies with them.  I do it and I expect that other people should do it, too.  I'm sick of inconsiderate people.  I've absolutely had enough.

33 Weeks and Boredom

I am so bored! I really don't know what to write about.  I was thinking about ranting on how people expect me to be the one to visit them all the time, but, I don't know.  Maybe I will a little.  I'm in Buckner right now.  I don't even feel like announcing it because I know family members are going to jump down my throat and ask why I didn't go and see them and friends too.  Ugh, I hate that!  "You were down here and you didn't come see me", really??  Pretty sure I was down here and YOU didn't come see me (granted, if I told whomever I was coming down). Oh, and that goes for when we're home (in Ohio) too!! Can you believe that?  "Why don't you come over anymore?" blah blah.  Um, maybe because I'm 8 months pregnant and I don't feel like doing anything, much less go to your stinky house!!

33 Weeks!

Yup, so here I am enjoying my "vacation", sitting in my parent's living room watching E! news and texting back and forth with my brother.  He's going to college this fall!  Ohio Valley University.  Sehara is playing outside on the fort by herself and my other brother is sitting on the other couch watching this girl stuff with me.  AND this little boy is totally in my ribs right now, making it impossible for me to lean forward and OH I can't even bend over to pick something up without getting sucker punched! I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it though!   I can't wait to meet him!
This picture was taken at my 33 Week mark!  I can't believe my baby is 33 weeks young (and it doesn't even count)!  It was at the church's VBS finale party!  Look at my belly button.  How cute.  And that darling little girl with crack cotton candy in her hand. I wonder if there is a substitute for cotton candy that doesn't involve sugar.  This is the moment when someone says "Yeah, it's called an apple".  <- I'd be one of THOSE people.  I'm too fat to care right now.  They only live once and I'm tired of being a dictator to her.
My linea nigra is starting to appear!  That's the pregnant brown line thing.  When I had it with Sehara it was completely zig-zagged and distorted because my skin tore right up with all those stretch marks.  This time, it's a smooth and straight little line.  Speaking of stretch marks, I have not gotten any new ones, yet!  This makes Jenni oh so happy.
I think I am going to get back to washing all of my brother's clothes now! 

30 Weeks

This is supposed to be the final trek of pregnancy; the last ten weeks that fly by.  I hope they do.  These are also supposed to be the weeks that I start feeling like ultimate crap.  <---   I'm looking forward to that.  We have a membership to the YMCA and I'm using it as much as I can.  I don't want those symptoms that come b/c pregnant women are so sedentary.  Sehara loves the swimming part, too, and I guess I enjoy them.  It's hard to go in the pool and not be able to dive or see how long I can hold my breath and chill at the bottom of the pool.  I feel like I'll drown my baby if I do that. 

30 Weeks

My lovely bathing suit no longer fits me.  Well, I am sure I can get it over my belly and my boobs, but the fit is so tight and the girls spill out of the side (not a pretty sight).  Of course, this wouldn't be an issue if we had our own place, with our stuff in it.  Since Tim still hasn't found a job, we're still at his grandparent's and our crap is still in storage.  That's where all my fat-girl clothes reside.  Ya know, the ones that I could fit into right now...  That's also where all of my extra bathing suits are, the fat-girl ones.  We had to improvise, because we can't afford Motherhood Maternity's beautiful suits and I refuse to wear the skirted ones that Wally World sells.  REFUSE.  That's why I'm in a nice stretchy microfiber shirt with my bikini bottoms.  Good news is that the shirt will be great for post-baby workouts.

I have been having that pelvic bone pain for a bit now and decided it was time to consult with my OB/GYN about it.  I was right about it being the symphysis, but what I didn't know is that it means I'm softening.  I bet Tim wished that meant my temper, but nope.  I'm happy that my body is preparing so well for delivery with these Braxton-Hicks and the softening.  I love that word "softening", sounds so feminine.  Since I have been working out my back pain has gone away.  :)  I'm so smart.  I put my degree to use.  I knew it!   Now, I wish I could find the motivation to look for a chiropractor for my tail bone.  My emotions are on that everlasting roller-coaster.  I hit a low the other day, cussing everyone out around me (had to do some serious apologizing) and ended it by crying my eyes out trying to explain to Tim what it was I was feeling.  Glad that's over...until next week.

Oh, and I have realized that I am around the most unorganized people, ever.  My family (in KY) isn't OCD daily-planner material, but hot dang, at least we over share so much that we always know what's going down when.  My anxiety (only on my "flare" days) doesn't allow me to be able to go with the flow, so I need to have a set plan in my head.  Also, I don't appreciate going shopping with family just to be a babysitter.  That's ish is for the birds and I won't be doing that anymore.  I would rather stare at a wall for 24 hours than go with you just so you can have a babysitter.  Here's an idea: stop having kids so you can stop worrying about who's going to watch them.  That crap is lame. Stop.  If you can't handle your child, then don't have anymore, for the sake of your family's sanity.

Nuff ranting.  I really want some tea right now.  I bought a bottle of Brisk yesterday and it was atrocious. Like, gag material.  Ew.  I might revisit that at the end if labor doesn't move along.  I started washing all my baby clothes and it hit me like a tons of bricks!  I'm having a baby!!  Woot!! :) Peace out!