Day 12 of No Refined Sugar

I haven't written in 6 days because I'm trying to get my stuff together. And quite honestly, there hasn't been much to write besides cravings and monotonous meals.


I think I underestimated this challenge, or rather the details. I thought I would be able to, well. Let me start here first: Our plan was to eat everything we already had before the challenge started and we did pretty well at that. We managed to eat the majority of our food and it was a little rough but what I didn't want to do was find out at the end of this month that we weren't ever going back to refined sugar and have to throw out all our food. We pay a lot of money for food and we really don't have much to work with. I think some things we didn't end up being able to eat was some cornbread boxes (because for the life of me, I cannot manage to make cornbread from scratch and I have tried a dozen times, I keep thinking it'll work this time, it'll work and it never does), a gluten free pancake mix with good reviews, our condiments and some cakes mixes, and leftover sugars.

The first few days were rough because it wasn't payday but I managed to squeeze money here and there and get some things. Payday rolled around and I got the majority of things on my list. With cravings, we kind of ate everything up, so I restocked. After that our budget was wiped. How do people do this? This real food is so expensive!

I talked with friends at play-date and they were telling me about subscribe and save on amazon. Okay. It's hard to shop online for food because I can't touch it, but I don't think I can find this stuff local and it's way too expensive when I do. We're on a 1 month trial with Amazon Prime right now. Shipping was so expensive so I really had no other option right then. It's supposed to come on Monday, which is fast for free. I just have to see if Tim will go for the $99 at the end of the month, and that pays for the year. If we do decide to continue with healthier food, it may be a cheaper cost in the long run and I'll be forced to use amazon more. I can save on gas if I do it for toilet paper and things like that.

I read into this challenge for a while before I started, but for me there isn't anything like actually doing it to learn. I can try as much as I'd like but I have to experience it. One of the things that got me interested in this was decreasing depression. I seriously struggle with it and I thought this would help some. It did, for like a week and then it hit me again, just slapped me. I'm trying to deal with it. I know that we aren't completely changing the way we live but I did hope it would help more than it has.

I attempted a bread recipe from Healthy Families For God and found I didn't do it right AND there had to be instructions missing. I really miss bread.

I have mastered mediocre but healthy shakes. I do only as much as my blender can tolerate, which is a little more than I thought it could but not enough to do what I really want it to do. They key I found is to use a LOT of cocoa powder! Makes everything great.

I successfully managed a zucchini bread recipe last night and it was a hit. I have now made 4 little loaves. Three are already eaten, but don't jump to gluttony. We missed it and it's pretty healthy and tastes like cake.

I have 4 other recipes to try out but I can't do anything until my coconut flour comes in with my other things from Amazon. I can wait though.

I went to a fundraiser/yard sale today. The lady who does the Dayton LLL organized it. I ended up find decent cloth diapers for .25 cents each and found Carson enough shorts to last a week without doing laundry. SUPER excited about that. He grew out of most all his clothes and we haven't gotten hand-me-downs in a while so we're out! I seriously hope to find a lot of yard sales this season for .25-.50 shorts for him and the rest of my kids, too. That will help.

Bad Days & Burdens

This past Wednesday was horrible for me, with a good thing mixed in. The only good thing that happened was Sehara starting 5th grade! She loves school so much and thrives in that atmosphere.
Wednesday was followed by the third night of Madeline waking up and crying every 30 minutes and having to nurse. Wednesday was the third day where I couldn't set her down without her crying and screaming for me.
It was also the day when the mustang broke. My only mode of transportation. Ugh. It wasn't a surprise though, cars like that aren't made to last forever and certain parts of the engine just need to be replaced. So, it's in the shop. 90% sure it's the alternator.
I'm a caged bird over here! I have plans, you know! I planned on going to get a diet coke that morning and dropping laminate off at my mother in law's house.

The tears flowed all day. Sometimes I feel like doing all the things I do to make sure we are living the right way, treating each other in a healthy manner, having faith and following the laws God set, treating our children like humans and spending so much time loving them, spending time with friend's and family, being a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, is all just for nothing.

Heck, I even learned to sew to be a little more sustainable.

Then I think about Ladie's class on Tuesday mornings. We are reading "Those Who Wait". I learned that the popular saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" isn't accurate. Because, sometimes I just can't handle some things.
In 1 Cor 10:13, God promised us we wouldn't be tempted beyond what we can endure because with Him we can find an escape. He never said we wouldn't have burdens. HE never tempts us.  As a matter of fact, He promised that we will have burdens (not because of Him) in life.

I would like to say that while that's all good and true, it's still difficult, and it is but I have to admit that I admire honesty and loyalty more than a lot of other qualities, and His word is honest and He is loyal. I'm able to deal with life a little better when I know that I, too, apply to His promise.

-Update-
I have waited a little while to finish this post because I had to get help with the bible stuff.
It was the alternator. It's fixed now. Madeline has stopped crying all day! As a result of her three horrible nights, she has decided to sleep in her bed. Seriously. She likes to go to sleep in her bed now. Not the whole night, but half is a start.
That's where I will leave you.

Not Such A Good Memory

I've had trouble sleeping lately. My mind is filled with all these memories and I keep replaying them over and over again.
Most definitely, they are brought on by my kids. I observe their growth all day and I bask in the utmost fulfillment of every emotion they give me. They range in obsession, love, anger, joy, hurt, disappointment, pride. All those things, plus. They certainly don't know how to give  me nothing. In Tim, too. Even on our worst days, he's the bees knees. The peanut to my butter. I see all this and wonder many things. I wonder how parents (mother's especially) can abandon their kids.
One of my memories starts with my (bio) dad sitting on his stool at the counter in the kitchen. The part of the counter that doesn't really belong to the kitchen, it's more for the phone and calendar. I remember his startling blue eyes looking worried and staring at the calendar. I think he was smoking. I can't remember that part. I know he and my (bio) mom had court that morning. I had been home from school for a little while when they got back. I got back from school and no one was home, a really eerie feeling. She disappeared somewhere, frantic with the phone. It's all really a blur.
He said that everything was fine. I've always been a worrier, or felt guilty about anything. I can remember knowing how much money my dad brought home on paydays and I always knew how much they spent and around about what they had left, and that stress got bad after a few days. I always waited for it.
Between then and not much longer later, these cars pulled in the driveway, parked there and in the cul de sac, some of them police cars. We lived on RedRock Court. I saw our social worker's face, as I got in the back of her car. I'm pretty sure her name was Linda. All of us were taken to Home of the Innocents. We were checked in on the first day they opened.

Just writing this down has gotten it out of my head. I waited a good week before I remembered, and I have debated whether to post any of this. BUT, I'm just going to go ahead and do it. Besides, I feel so relieved now. It's down and I can look at it when I want.

About Juicing

You know, I don't really like juice. I think the concept is fine and all that, but I don't enjoy drinking juice.

I know this may come to you as a very random thought, but, it's really not.

I feel fat. I feel so fat, and I can't work up the motivation to go run in the snow with my newborn to lose the weight. Mind you, it's only about 10 lbs for now that I want to lose. I don't have a breast pump to go to a gym and I don't have the time to figure something else out (or the energy).

I tried doing some workout videos, I ended up getting in Carson's way. By the time he went down for a nap, Madeline woke up. When I got her settled and happy, Carson woke up again. It happens everyday. Really.

Those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

But, I am going to "juice". I don't want to strictly juice, I want to eat real food too AND I don't want my body to "detox" because of the breastfeeding. If I strictly juice, I'm pretty sure I'll go through a detox. It's not really as scary as it sounds.

I'm only writing this because I want to be held accountable. I usually don't write or talk about it in case I screw up.

I'm not starting yet, I'm going to let my taste buds get used to them. Tim and I tried buying all the organic fruits and vegetables and literally juicing them and it didn't work. It was too much work. We don't have a nice enough blender to put them in either. So, I'm buying the pre-made organic ones that have a bit more sodium than I like but I'm drinking them anyway. Organic does matter.

Don't judge me.

Blessings Abundant

I have had a few pretty bad days. I had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. It's just been bad. Today I decided to make myself count my blessings instead of dwelling in my head about all the crap I shove down so I don't have to deal with it.

So, I put Madeline down on the floor on a blanket for the first time and played with her. Then Carson woke up and was pretty confused as to why she was on the floor but he still played, too.  Sehara was busy riding her bike. Today was rather warm...

I'm letting Carson kiss Madeline again. It's been rough teaching him to stay off her, but for her safety, it's important. I don't want my kids to fight with each other, I don't want them to have that kind of relationship. It's inevitably going to happen between some, I know, but I'm trying to prevent it now.

She's 7 weeks old tomorrow! She's as cute as a button too. She observes a lot and soaks it in. She doesn't like to be cold or uncomfortable and she'll let you know if she is. I like that... a little honesty goes a long way.

They took a mini nap together, although neither was aware of it. Carson was out like a light when I laid her next to him and she fussed a minute then calmed down. I even got a few minutes to nap. Seems to me that as soon as I doze, one wakes up.

I've got a lot to be thankful for. Look at my little family! We are nowhere near perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we're awesome and that's great. I'm glad I'm in a better mindset today to realize this. I have more than I've ever had and I ought to be happy about it.

Dollhouse

When I was a little girl, there were a few things I wanted. I wanted new things, instead of hand-me-downs and I wanted a dollhouse. The new things I wanted weren't specific, I just wanted some new things instead of always having used things. I mean, clothes were high on that list, but you know, nothing too specific.  As a parent, I love used clothes for my kids! As long as they look nice and are stain-free, mine weren't.

The dollhouse didn't have to be new, heck, it didn't even have to be in great condition. I just always wanted one. I'd like to imagine that if I had one I would have treated it very nicely and taken great care of it. I may not have even played with it for fear of breaking it. Who knows...I never got one.

halfway assembled dollhouse

Sehara got one for Christmas this year. It was our big gift to her, quite literally. It's what she really wanted. Her asking for one really took me back to my childhood. Every time I see a dollhouse I yearn for it and I figured she may as well have one.

After the Christmas rush and her Uncle Dan helped her set it up, I realized that I gave in to her because it was something I never had. I mean, I knew it when we bought it but I pushed it down because every little girl needs a dollhouse. Right? I'm not sure I made the right choice.  It's almost as tall as she is and she treats it well. All her Barbie things are set up nicely around it.

But the rest of her room is trashed like she doesn't care about any of it.  It's a daily struggle to get her to straighten things up, treat her clothes like they should be treated, and just pick other things up. It sucks.

I just think about all the things I wanted as a kid and Sehara has them and doesn't even care.

It breaks my heart.

Grumpy Carson

Some things about Carson that I want to write down, uh, metaphorically.Whatever.

He currently has some drainage/sinus stuff that caused an ear infection. I think that makes ear infection number 2. When we got back from the hospital, poor kiddo was "sick".  I use that term very loosely, because I don't consider sick really sick unless it's contagious and he isn't. Thank you, Jesus.

So he's pretty grumpy and on medicine. What I mean to say, is that he is acting almost unbearable. I can't even handle him right now.  Folks, that's the first time ever. He's also hit the toddler phase where EVERYTHING hurts his feelings. Everything. I could hand him a cookie and he'd throw his body to the floor, cry his heart out then stand up, take the cookie, say "thank you" and proceed to eat it like nothing ever happened.

Shoot me in my face please.

Now he's all huge and looks like a kid and he's heavy.  I've almost dropped him twice since I've been back.

This whole "finding a new routine" thing is almost impossible with his feelings and his ear. We're exhausted and it's really because of him. I just wish he would get better so we can get over the hard part.

He is all about his little sister.  He wants to kiss her and lay his head on her and hug her all the time. He wants to pat her and all that business.  It's nice until he presses too hard on her face or squeezes her.

They cry off each other during night time. She'll cry and and it will wake him up.  Vice-versa. 

He also looks like a hot mess. He needs a hair cut, Tim wants him to get a faded buzz to match him and so that's what he'll get.  Now I just have to take him.

Looks are deceiving

Twins...

I keep going between wanting someone to take him and go somewhere to knowing that's one reason he's so clingy right now. We have left him too much this past month, he's not used to it and neither am I. It would be nice to have some break though.  I don't know what I'm going to do when Tim goes back to work next week, because really, he's been taking care of him most of the time.

Not Ready To Share

I'm not ready to share my birth story yet.  We have a healthy baby and I feel physically great and that's all that matters right now.

I did want to say that Tim and I are trying not to be disappointed in the lack of visitors we received at the hospital, or now even. We have tried so hard these past two years to immerse ourselves into church activities and kids parties and friend's social things and we have been busy bees doing it. It sucks to sit back and observe that we have put so much into family and friends and it wasn't given back.

We have gotten apologies and apologies for it, but it really doesn't make it better, although we do accept them.

If you can't celebrate a life, what can you do?

The people that showed up were the people we couldn't have done it without! So, thanks so much to you guys! :) We know who we can count on and put our love and time into now.

Being Depressed & Sick

I have heard a lot of wish-wash about people not thinking the brain and body are connected, as in being emotionally distressed and that affecting a body's physical response isn't true.

That's fine, because that's their opinion.  I've heard what I would call "smart people" say this to me. Needless to say, after I hear this come from a person's mouth, I no longer think of them as a resourcefully smart person. I think of them as someone who likes to talk and happens to sound smart when, in fact, they aren't.

Sure, factual information still comes from them time-to-time, but I'll always double check that info. They invalidate themselves to me.

Here is how I personally know:
I have a probably very common positive feedback loop (derh, but maybe it's a negative feedback loop??) where when one thing alters in your body, your brain sends out signals to fix it, but ends up causing it to get worse, blah blah. It's biology so I'm not sure I'm describing it correctly. No matter. It all leads to Homeostasis anyway.  Being in labor is an example of a positive feedback loop that ends nicely, you know, with a baby.

I have been on antibiotics for the past 8 days for these two huge massive(redundant) pimples I have that wouldn't pop (and I thought they could be MRSA, but they weren't, but they sucked so I had to get them looked at) and I've noticed the past 4 or 5 days I have been getting these overwhelming headaches.

Then I started noticing I'd get the headaches an hour or two after I took the antibiotics (not sure what that means) and then it got to where I couldn't move my eyeballs without pain (we have 6 muscles around our eyes to look in different directions- attached to them). Obviously, something was happening to make those muscles sore.

I started getting sleepier and sleepier and sadder and more sad. A few things happened that helped along with that sadness, but I'll have to write another post on those. Before I know it (this is Wednesday night) I feel so depressed that I can't help but to picture every possible way I wish I could die that wasn't suicidal so I can still go to heaven.

It's that bad.  Even Carol from church was asking me if I was alright.  What am I going to say?

About 10 p.m., I'm in such a funk that I just laid in bed and stared at the t.v.  Carson got hungry so I fed him and we both fell asleep.

You know  how this goes... I wake up feeling disgusting. It just escalates more and, oops, I forgot to take my antibiotics. So I do, then in another hour I wake up and it's nasty. I can't move, took my temperature...100.5. It literally causes severe pain to more my eyes and I can't sleep. My lower back is killing me, I'm freezing and burning up at the same time.

I go all day like this.  I think to myself that if I am indeed sick, I most certainly do not need to add to my pain with these medications so I stop the antibiotics two days short. Whatever, I have always forgotten the last two days. If my pimples don't go away completely, I'll call them George and Berdine and give them a place to live.

I feel better as the day goes on, my temperature gets higher for a while, levels out, and now it's a little below normal.  I rarely get a fever.

Around 12/1 a.m., I'm laying in bed and my head is like *ding-ding*. No wonder I was depressed and I got sick.  Well, mostly the sick part. It's been so long since I've really been sick-sick as opposed to 12/24-hour bugs. When I get really depressed/sad about something I always get so sick. I have been pregnant and postpartum for the past forever so I have forgotten to listen to my body.  Being Depressed and Sick go hand in hand for me.

Remember, the chemicals in our bodies during pregnancy are very different than when we aren't pregnant, so while something  makes sense before or after, it may not be true during pregnancy.

I'm sure being depressed goes together for a lot of other people as well. It's what our body has to sometimes do. Well, I know for people who experience true chronic depression and anxiety like me, it does. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sure don't like to feel alone in this world.

There is a flip side as well, but I don't need to go into ten shortened paragraphs rant for that in this post.

I'm just trying to draw the picture that there is a mind-body or brain and body connection (but really it's kind of like a behavioral  thing) and it's not rocket science, it's actually biology, or physiology, or immunology.  There are studies that show you can "think yourself well", whether it be through a placebo or through purposeful psychoneuroimmunology. Say that 10 times fast, then google it.

Anyway, my point is that being depressed is a huge sign that I'm getting sick, but it's more complicated than that because I am always depressed, just sometimes sad. SO, I guess, being sad is a huge sign that I am getting sick.  When I'm not on my beloved medicine, like right now, I really can't decipher those times. Makes me think I need to pay more attention to my body.

As for those antibiotics, I don't know what happened. I've never had that problem and I know that it wasn't a coincidence. Maybe my body couldn't handle those few things at once?

I'm curious to hear others thoughts on this.

Day Eighteen

I think that in order to understand what a depressed person or a person with anxiety feels, you yourself must have depression and/or anxiety.  You could probably relate, but not feel empathy.  You could feel sympathy but I don't think you could truly understand what is going on in that person's mind.  That's why when someone I know goes off their rocker and does stupid crap and says outrageous stuff, I get hurt but not offended and I understand where they come from. I only get hurt when it is directed towards me.  It is kind of complicated, but not really.
I went through a situation today where I knew someone understood me, and then where I knew another person didn't.  I had the option of sitting with two different groups but chose to sit by myself.  I didn't do it to be mean, it was just the only option that made me feel comfort.  I saw a soft couch with people, a table with wooden chairs with people, then I saw two lonely wooden chairs and I chose those.  It seemed comfortable, well, and it was. My MIL commented somewhere along the lines that sometimes we just need to be alone.  She was right.  I didn't realize I had chosen an isolated spot until they asked me if I wanted to join them.  I just wanted to be where I was and there is nothing wrong with that.  She knows how I feel.
During those few minutes I realized that my depression/anxiety really is coming back.  To the point where I may not be able to function by myself. Ah, the good days.

On a happy note, click here.  I want this so bad for Carson. Too bad they are all out. I wonder if there is another brand.  I don't want anymore bulbs or electric suckers. I want one just like that. This one wouldn't hurt, either. It's a fight for him each day. EVERY SINGLE MORNING he can't breathe and it is so sad.  I also want to get a crib mobile for him but those bad boys are expensive.  You know what, there are a lot of things I want still.  Like a high chair.  I want a big honking pretty high chair, maybe a nice wooden one.  Those are coming back in style. For Sehara, I want her to have things with her name on them.  It's so unique.

Isn't she beautiful?

Hungry! He has found his fists!

I would eventually like a really nice sewing machine and all the colors to go with it.  Then, I would like a lesson to use said sewing machine. I want sparkle pumps.  Tim is getting me a pair for Christmas. Payless has one pair in size 7 that will do!  If I get lucky, tomorrow I will go get them for him to wrap and they will be cheaper so I'll be able to get a second pair 50% off.  Wouldn't that be exciting?!?  I would like skinny jeans too.  These are mostly all reasonable, besides that sewing machine.  Have you seen how expensive those things are?  KitchenAid mixers are high too.  Crazy high.  I would enjoy the book called "Play: How it shapes the brain...".  Tim wants some airsoft gear.  Megastore has this vest with a bunch of pockets and mesh covered goggles. 
I ran a little today.  It was the second time I have done it since birthing the baby.  Today was better than the other day.  I didn't go any further and I didn't try harder, but I did it and that's all I could do.  I am pleased with myself. I do plan to continue.  It's not hard to get to.