About Juicing

You know, I don't really like juice. I think the concept is fine and all that, but I don't enjoy drinking juice.

I know this may come to you as a very random thought, but, it's really not.

I feel fat. I feel so fat, and I can't work up the motivation to go run in the snow with my newborn to lose the weight. Mind you, it's only about 10 lbs for now that I want to lose. I don't have a breast pump to go to a gym and I don't have the time to figure something else out (or the energy).

I tried doing some workout videos, I ended up getting in Carson's way. By the time he went down for a nap, Madeline woke up. When I got her settled and happy, Carson woke up again. It happens everyday. Really.

Those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

But, I am going to "juice". I don't want to strictly juice, I want to eat real food too AND I don't want my body to "detox" because of the breastfeeding. If I strictly juice, I'm pretty sure I'll go through a detox. It's not really as scary as it sounds.

I'm only writing this because I want to be held accountable. I usually don't write or talk about it in case I screw up.

I'm not starting yet, I'm going to let my taste buds get used to them. Tim and I tried buying all the organic fruits and vegetables and literally juicing them and it didn't work. It was too much work. We don't have a nice enough blender to put them in either. So, I'm buying the pre-made organic ones that have a bit more sodium than I like but I'm drinking them anyway. Organic does matter.

Don't judge me.

Anger

It doesn't take a lot to get angry these days. I find myself getting mad every time I get behind the wheel, getting dressed, going shopping, playing with my kids. I really have to fight it so I don't take it out on other people. It's a constant battle and I hate it. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I don't like that I spend so much time working through it so it goes away.
Anger drains my energy. It drains my energy everyday.  I hate being mad at my kids for being kids, at my husband for being himself and at myself for being so horrible all the time.
I just don't know what to do!

Tutu Baby Shower

Welcome to my tutu baby shower! Everything was handmade by my friend and it was so cute and very well done!  The original tutu idea came from pinterest, we are a dance family, so it fits us.

I'll post pictures of the invitations and thank you notes in another post!

Blessings Abundant

I have had a few pretty bad days. I had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. It's just been bad. Today I decided to make myself count my blessings instead of dwelling in my head about all the crap I shove down so I don't have to deal with it.

So, I put Madeline down on the floor on a blanket for the first time and played with her. Then Carson woke up and was pretty confused as to why she was on the floor but he still played, too.  Sehara was busy riding her bike. Today was rather warm...

I'm letting Carson kiss Madeline again. It's been rough teaching him to stay off her, but for her safety, it's important. I don't want my kids to fight with each other, I don't want them to have that kind of relationship. It's inevitably going to happen between some, I know, but I'm trying to prevent it now.

She's 7 weeks old tomorrow! She's as cute as a button too. She observes a lot and soaks it in. She doesn't like to be cold or uncomfortable and she'll let you know if she is. I like that... a little honesty goes a long way.

They took a mini nap together, although neither was aware of it. Carson was out like a light when I laid her next to him and she fussed a minute then calmed down. I even got a few minutes to nap. Seems to me that as soon as I doze, one wakes up.

I've got a lot to be thankful for. Look at my little family! We are nowhere near perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we're awesome and that's great. I'm glad I'm in a better mindset today to realize this. I have more than I've ever had and I ought to be happy about it.

Dollhouse

When I was a little girl, there were a few things I wanted. I wanted new things, instead of hand-me-downs and I wanted a dollhouse. The new things I wanted weren't specific, I just wanted some new things instead of always having used things. I mean, clothes were high on that list, but you know, nothing too specific.  As a parent, I love used clothes for my kids! As long as they look nice and are stain-free, mine weren't.

The dollhouse didn't have to be new, heck, it didn't even have to be in great condition. I just always wanted one. I'd like to imagine that if I had one I would have treated it very nicely and taken great care of it. I may not have even played with it for fear of breaking it. Who knows...I never got one.

halfway assembled dollhouse

Sehara got one for Christmas this year. It was our big gift to her, quite literally. It's what she really wanted. Her asking for one really took me back to my childhood. Every time I see a dollhouse I yearn for it and I figured she may as well have one.

After the Christmas rush and her Uncle Dan helped her set it up, I realized that I gave in to her because it was something I never had. I mean, I knew it when we bought it but I pushed it down because every little girl needs a dollhouse. Right? I'm not sure I made the right choice.  It's almost as tall as she is and she treats it well. All her Barbie things are set up nicely around it.

But the rest of her room is trashed like she doesn't care about any of it.  It's a daily struggle to get her to straighten things up, treat her clothes like they should be treated, and just pick other things up. It sucks.

I just think about all the things I wanted as a kid and Sehara has them and doesn't even care.

It breaks my heart.

Grumpy Carson

Some things about Carson that I want to write down, uh, metaphorically.Whatever.

He currently has some drainage/sinus stuff that caused an ear infection. I think that makes ear infection number 2. When we got back from the hospital, poor kiddo was "sick".  I use that term very loosely, because I don't consider sick really sick unless it's contagious and he isn't. Thank you, Jesus.

So he's pretty grumpy and on medicine. What I mean to say, is that he is acting almost unbearable. I can't even handle him right now.  Folks, that's the first time ever. He's also hit the toddler phase where EVERYTHING hurts his feelings. Everything. I could hand him a cookie and he'd throw his body to the floor, cry his heart out then stand up, take the cookie, say "thank you" and proceed to eat it like nothing ever happened.

Shoot me in my face please.

Now he's all huge and looks like a kid and he's heavy.  I've almost dropped him twice since I've been back.

This whole "finding a new routine" thing is almost impossible with his feelings and his ear. We're exhausted and it's really because of him. I just wish he would get better so we can get over the hard part.

He is all about his little sister.  He wants to kiss her and lay his head on her and hug her all the time. He wants to pat her and all that business.  It's nice until he presses too hard on her face or squeezes her.

They cry off each other during night time. She'll cry and and it will wake him up.  Vice-versa. 

He also looks like a hot mess. He needs a hair cut, Tim wants him to get a faded buzz to match him and so that's what he'll get.  Now I just have to take him.

Looks are deceiving

Twins...

I keep going between wanting someone to take him and go somewhere to knowing that's one reason he's so clingy right now. We have left him too much this past month, he's not used to it and neither am I. It would be nice to have some break though.  I don't know what I'm going to do when Tim goes back to work next week, because really, he's been taking care of him most of the time.

Madeline Amelia

Peeking

This little creature is just amazing. She is the sweetest thing I think I have created so far. She's so little and cuddly, but she can lay by herself for a long time. When we nap, she curls up close to me, as close as she can get and lays on her side with her fists on either side of her face and sleeps for hours.

Sisters!

She has pretty blue eyes that will probably turn brown, but I'm still holding out.
Her facial features are obviously girly and a little mousy. She has my lips and chin and I think she has Tim's eyebrows. I'm not sure what else is who's beyond that.

 She has very long fingers and the most beautiful, long nail-beds. She has long feet that remind me of a rabbit foot.

Her belly is getting big.

Size Reference

She looks like such a Madeline. I feel we did a great job naming her. I can't wait to get her the Madeline books.  In case you're wondering, it is Made'LINE', not 'Lynn'. Just like the french character. A simple correction and you won't forget.  Amelia is my mom's middle name! That makes her initials M.A.P. :)

Sleeping Soundly

Madeline is already over 6 pounds, well over her birth weight. She nurses like a champ, and I am so grateful for that. She barely fits in most newborn sized clothing and right now I'm not so sure that there is even one pair of socks on this earth that fit her skinny feet.

 

We are trying to get into a routine, almost unsuccessfully, but it will come. I'll be excited when it does!

Not Ready To Share

I'm not ready to share my birth story yet.  We have a healthy baby and I feel physically great and that's all that matters right now.

I did want to say that Tim and I are trying not to be disappointed in the lack of visitors we received at the hospital, or now even. We have tried so hard these past two years to immerse ourselves into church activities and kids parties and friend's social things and we have been busy bees doing it. It sucks to sit back and observe that we have put so much into family and friends and it wasn't given back.

We have gotten apologies and apologies for it, but it really doesn't make it better, although we do accept them.

If you can't celebrate a life, what can you do?

The people that showed up were the people we couldn't have done it without! So, thanks so much to you guys! :) We know who we can count on and put our love and time into now.

38 Weeks

Here I am at 38 weeks and I know that I have one week left, maximum. Truth is, she can't stay in there any longer than that or we risk having a stillborn baby and I just can't have that.  It's been a hard week of reality.  It's been a really hard week to realize that my body has failed to do what it's naturally supposed to do.
It's just been hard.

Fortunately, our little girl is okay, she stopped growing a while ago and she's supposed to be pretty small when she comes out but she's doing good. I seriously hope her size doesn't affect breastfeeding, because I have big plans for that. My doctor and a friend confirmed to me that small size means she'll fly right on out and I won't say nary a negative word on that.

Actually, I am going to have a sit down with my doctor tomorrow about what to expect during labor and delivery on Sunday. Avoiding a C-section isn't my second goal (with getting this baby out safely being my main goal and number one priority). I don't even know if it will be a big deal to be honest, I could be working myself up for nothing here, but I would still like to know what he thinks.

Fortunately, we have a big family and it'll be even bigger come next Sunday.

38 Weeks, Baby #3

My sister-in-law's birthday is the following day, so she may just get a little muffin for a present, if labor takes as long as it did with Carson.

By the end of today, I have felt much better emotionally, tired physically, and I've had some pains here and there. That could be a good thing. My tailbone is all out of whack and the heartburn has been incredibly obnoxious. I basically have to lay around all day, eat too much, and drink like water is going out of style; that's my prescription.

Carson isn't making it easy, because he's 1 and everyday is a new adventure. He's been teething and it's driving me up a wall. Screaming, whining, drooling, biting, some fever and runny poo rules his life.  Oh, and get this: he gets hungry for real food. Shut the front door. He cried for 20 minutes one day last week before I realized that he wanted food (because he slept through lunch time and I had already forgotten about it). Won't make that mistake again.

I Have Another Pimple

I do. It's right under my cheekbone and it isn't pretty.

I am so upset about it. How dare it have the audacity to pop up when my makeup is over 150 miles away; how dare it!

Since it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I named it Priscilla.

I don't have the best of skin, nor do I have horrible skin. It's speckled and rough and doesn't absorb anything.  At least I don't have arm acne or eczema or psoriasis so I don't suppose I can complain too terribly much.

But then again, there is this HUGE spot residing on my face, greeting people before I even have the chance.

Priscilla is such a skank.