I have immersed myself completely into my husband, my family, student loans, house searching, the Bible, church, Ladies class, friends and family (not really in order). I've done this slowly for the past two years. I was confused and angry and mean, anxiety was written all over my face when I graduated. I had left a friendship horribly, left a religion, and stepped away to a new scenario.
I mean, I came out pretty well. I have some more tools in my belt. I have a great relationship with my husband and love him and my kids too deeply to describe. I have made new friends, lost some, and made newer ones. I understand the Bible better, even though I get confused with a different doctrine sometimes. I took a step back from "the world" without knowing it and zoned in on me. I let myself feel everything I needed to feel. I have figured out honesty is best, and know how to speak it.
When I realized I didn't know anything that was happening out there, that I wasn't making friends around town, and that I basically didn't have any substantial long term goals, honestly, I was okay with it. I soaked in it. It was freeing. I loved being able to see things from an unbiased view.
There's always something that knocks you off your feet though. We were visiting with a friend and I realized I didn't know anything new. I mean, shoot, what a great way to feel so stupid: when you're conversing with a group of people. Ugh.
It's all great and dandy to know and love yourself and all this great stuff I'd been working on, but sooner or later I have to figure out what's going on around me. The thing is, I think I can do the things I have been doing and figure out how to learn some other things. What would it hurt to read some books every now and again? How about helping out and volunteering, or toting my kids around at the library more, to sports, and school functions. Exposing them to the harmless, and appropriate activities. Gosh, maybe whip my behind in shape like I've been wanting to for a year and a half?!
Maybe, since I have all the important stuff together, I can step out of the nice, tight square box I so willingly like to sit in.
2 comments:
I was just thinking of writing an entry yesterday about something similar. I have found that over the years I have become increasingly worse at social situations and more attached to my family "bubble". I am trying to do better and get out more, but I find it absolutely draining. But, I am happy to say, after moving back here almost 4 years ago I am starting to make some friends!
I can see that writing this has helped you to come out of that box a little. You are getting more into shape, going to swimming and soccer with the kids, and making time to go to social events. I think it is a real leap to recognize the existence of the box. I didn't realize that I lived in a box when I had Rachel's kids for those two-and-a-half years until they went to live with their dad. I admire your determination to find a way to live a fuller life.
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