I have baby brain. It's not a big secret, I have basically been pregnant for two years. That last month before I got pregnant with this baby, I could think clearly and my brain started working quickly again. I miss that feeling. I really do. I wonder what people think of me sometimes, people up here that have only known me like this*. If there is any long period of time between this little baby girl and the next one, maybe I'll feel like myself again.
Not completely like the old Jenni. I truly believe people need to change and adapt to their life. Though, the biggest problem with change, is that change isn't always a good thing. I see so many people go bitter and nasty. I have felt less anxious and depressed in these past two years than the three years before that. If that's just because of babies and pregnancies and it doesn't stick around after my kids get a little older, then I'll go back to therapy. I am really hoping the happiness is because of maturity and a pretty good life.
My 'pretty good life' hasn't come easily. It's not about material things, money, relationships, location, or any of that stuff (and I'm not bragging). It's about acceptance and I'm not sure what exactly I have accepted or have come to peace with, but it's there and it's what I work on every single day. I'm not saying I have laid down and died and stopped caring, I'm saying that I can't be motivated by anger anymore because it's not healthy.
I do get mad, I really do, but I know where the anger comes from and it's okay. I get over it. I do allow myself to be hurt a lot, but that's okay too and I get over it as well. I would like to point out that jealousy isn't my thing. To assume I'm jealous of anyone or anything is to have one of the most incorrect assumptions about me. I am about fairness but I can't make anyone be fair, that's on them. I DO want things, like a van and my own house, but I know that whether I have them or not, it's because of choices that Tim and I make; it's on us (and make no mistake that it's because of laziness or lack of action....it's about planning and waiting and we are okay with that even though it's hard).
Back to acceptance: The biggest thing I'm working on right now is peoples' abilities to completely have faith that there is a God and Jesus is his son and heaven is there (and don't act on it). I hear and see comments all the time about Jesus and whatnot and see these people not active in a church or acts of faith but they know. They just know! I ponder about everything and actively choose to believe and work on my faith everyday. It's a lot of work but I know it's better to believe and follow those commandments than to not. I do have some amazing examples around me, so that's a thumbs up! :)
*I also wonder about what people think of me that have only been facebook friends, or relatives of the family I've married into and have never spent time with me. Or even my family that I haven't spent much time with since college. Facebook isn't my life and neither is my blog; there is so much more. I figure some people who have interacted with me through a second party could think I'm as nice as Jesus, or the most horrible person on Earth. I'm neither (ha), I'm not even in the middle.
It feels nice to write about myself again, but maybe I do that often!! There is no way for me to possibly write down how I feel about everything I've written here 100% because this post would be too long. So, there.
Also, I would like to point out that at any point in time, I reserve the right to change my mind about anything.
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