About Failure When You're Trying To Lose Weight

I've been doing the 21 day fix program from BeachBody (I'm sure you've seen the ads...). I've been doing really well at it! I have spent my whole days anticipating the nightly workouts, wondering how I'll respond to them. I have cut my eating a lot, fitting my meals into the little containers that come with the workout. I gulp down my Shakeology for breakfast, and it really isn't bad (though the chocolate is a little bitter). I don't really have time for the fancy recipes that come with it. I am focused on checking these things off my to do list, and changing my lifestyle.

I paid a ton of money for the program, because I knew if I spent it, I would see it through. It's as simple as that. That motivates me: not wasting money. The end. I will see it through because I paid for it!

Just under 2 weeks into the program, I popped my lateral meniscus out. I don't even know how you can pop it out? I had to go to the chiropractor 3 times in a week for him to put it back? I didn't injure myself working out, I was dancing with babies. The irony.

The first night of working out with an injured knee wasn't bad. It was a little tender but I was fine. My husband asked me to not go hardcore for fear of further injury (we didn't know what I had done at this point, this workout was the same night as the pop-out). He was right, I modified some moves and finished.

The next day I couldn't walk. I couldn't put weight on my knee. I couldn't straighten it or bend it or twist it. This is when I go to the chiro and he provides immediate relief (though it still was sore each day for 2 weeks + sliding/twisting my knee was not do-able).

I spend a lot of money for this program and I am literally not able to do more than half the workouts. I am not able to even start the cardio workouts with out getting upset because I can't do the first few moves, and I'm feeling like a fraud for using my own modifications.

I get past it and complete each of them anyway. I do. Yep. I even throw in some extra ab fix workout d.v.d.'s because I can't do the cardio and I don't feel like I'm pushing myself. But I'm feeling motivated, working real smart on these workouts, but not real hard!

 ******
Here's where the failure comes in. I gained a pound back. How? Even when I'm following the meal plan, and doing 2 workouts a night. It's not muscle gain, don't even go there. Cardio plays a huge role in weight loss for me, and it takes time. Without the cardio, it's going to be very hard for me to lose that weight.

Then, one night, I gave up. I quit. I thought that I was ready to do the cardio again, and I couldn't. I turned everything off and took a really long shower. Really long. I told myself that this isn't me. When things get tough, I work through it. I thrive when others can't complete their tasks, I step in and take charge. It's damage control, it's what I'm good at. SO WHY?

I cried, I told myself to go to bed. Then I decided that I'm not a quitter. I popped in a yoga fix d.v.d., and finished then popped in the ab fix and finished that. I had been doing upper body most nights because I see results fast, and frankly, I'm not trying to fly anywhere.

******
Skip forward the 2+ weeks of healing and here I am. I went for a run. It was heaven! It hurt but I pushed myself and kept going. I was relieved to be able to have the physical outlet.  I only slowed down and headed home when I felt my knee begin to get sore.

My point is, losing weight is hard. I feel like a failure most nights. It takes time, and it is not going to be easy or fast. There is no magic pill, no magic shake, no quick anything that really helps you. It's about perseverance, changing the way you look at weight loss, motivations, and self image. We all have these bodies that we are in charge of, we are responsible for what's going in them, we are responsible for how much physical activity we get; we HAVE to take care of it, MIND INCLUDED.

It takes 30 minutes, 30 MINUTES each day (heck, even less sometimes; start with 5 minutes) to shape your mind and body. That's it, just one day at a time, 30 minutes of your day. That's all.

Do it. Don't give up.

Craft Bazaar and Christmas Tree

I had a great time  at the Craft Bazaar. I was definitely NOT prepared for it though. About a month ago, I started working on bows, but then I got so busy with Etsy and work that I couldn't finish them. Tim ended up making my headband holder, and painting it. He didn't have time to build a base so it stood against the table. I covered piping in tulle and hung a banner from both sides. It fell over a few times. Whoops!

I don't have a picture of it!

I have teamed up with some BeachBody coaches to do a headband and hair-tie giveaway to women who commit to a workout group! Getting my name out there and helping other moms! I want to do collaborations with other small businesses and direct sale business ladies.

We put our Christmas tree up and it's lovely. Just lovely. Looking through all of our things that have been in storage for so long is such fun!

Just What I Needed To Hear

I have some words in my heart. I dunno, do you ever just sit around and feel all antsy like you have to get up and do something or write and get it off your chest and be done with it?

So, this post isn't much of consequence, but it has to be done.

I have been craving a song lately. In my head, I can catch the last hint of sound and that one word that makes it THAT song. I heard the tail of it on the radio a few days back (what luck!). I just unpacked my c.d.'s {again} a few days back and came across all my Shawn McDonald c.d.'s! What a delight they have been! I wrote the first few sentences on this post, then had to take Carson to his room, came back downstairs, flipped the case open and there it was! The song! It's Satellites from The Dave Matthews Band. It was right there all along. Of course.

I was invited to join a Beach Body workout support group (again and again and again) and decided this time that I would try it out. I have until the end of the month to choose a program to purchase and it starts in December. I wonder if I will find one that I like? Not to mention there was someone else in the group that I don't care to see updates on. :/

That was passive aggressive. But I don't mean it to be (but it still is). I'm not taking it back, though.

I have been feeling really low lately. I have had severe headaches everyday. I think it's from my glasses. I may need to get my eyes checked again. BUT then I went without watching t.v. for 2 days and I didn't get a headache the following day. Maybe it's everything.

I have been feeling chilled to the bone today. I have not been able to get warm. I turned the thermostat up to 76, I'll leave it there for half an hour and shut the whole thing off. We have agreed to keep it low this winter. Even though I'm cold and low, winter is still my favorite!

I was telling Tim that we should put my microsuede (or some fancy name) weather curtains up around the door to keep all the cold air out. Then I told him that we'd have to take them down if anyone came over because that's kind of hillbilly.

My littles started their daycare today. I had a longer shift than usual and was relieved to see them finally. Now I'm all tired and grouchy and they are hungry and tired, but not quite ready for bed. Recipe for disaster!

This photo just caught my eye:

I realized not long ago, that these photos are gorgeous, but they don't capture Madeline's personality.

SO, I'm hoping that a cup of coffee, then hot cocoa, then a tall glass of water will get me out of this funk. Tim gets home in an hour so life will be o.k./

P.S., just listening to that song twice, I feel so much better! I guess it's just what I needed.

Being Busy

Busy!

I have been so busy. I have been able to get more hours in at work and Etsy is still doing great!

I have chosen all the Maddi and Addi Brand Reps. I am almost done with all the bows and bowties that I'm sending out. I keep getting distracted because I keep coming up with new bow designs and I'm not able to do anything but drop what I'm doing and create them. Hm.

I've been doing this Bible Study for parenting and it's been different. I have always liked taking parenting classes or reading books on parenting. I feel like it helps. This study group helps, but I definitely feel like the worst parent ever by the end of each time. I wonder if I'll ever measure up to this standard I have made for myself.

Carson is currently skating around in the family room with those little buckle skates. Ha! Too cute.

Anyway, not much to say but wanted to put something out here!

Small Tasks

Oh, what a life I live.

I feel like ever since I moved to Ohio, I have gotten sick every other week. Definitely an exaggeration, but it is what it is.

For a few hours every day these past few days, I have had an almost debilitating headache. It could be caffeine withdrawal. Eh. Hopefully it isn't another stinking sinus infection.

ALSO, and oh my, every time I get ahead with cleaning/organizing in one room, I turn around and it's trashed again. I had Carson help me the last time I tackled his room. I most definitely believe that kids should learn to clean and organize at a young age. I gave him the task of first putting his Legos in their place, then putting the shoes in the basket. The kids can handle small tasks, easy things that if done in small steps results in a clean room!

My brand rep search is almost to an end. I already have chosen two kids, but it's so hard. I want all the kids to feel special.

AND, lastly, I have been doing so many DIY crafts. I'd like to post them. You know how that goes...

Oh hey, I got a job

The etsy shop has had a significant increase in sales. I am thrilled. It's not enough to make a living off of yet, but it's coming along.

Right now, I'm searching for Brand Reps. That's were some lucky moms get packages for their kids in exchange for great photos, a little social networking and the like. I hope it helps the shop.

I'm going to be doing a "show" for the shop in November. I did the same one last year and met some great people there. I LOVED it. I'm hoping to make an outrageously adorable table set up, just a big tutu one. I hope I can... I'm thinking of making it from that plumbing pipe stuff. Dear goodness, I hope it doesn't look trashy.. I also hope I can make some really cute headband holders, too.

 



I also got a part time job. I have to say that leaving home to go to work is 100000% easier than staying home with the kids. I mean, there's work drama and all, but I don't care. I LOVE to work. We're trying to find a daycare for the kids, but that's been our biggest challenge so far; finding a sitter for those times when we both work. I only work around 10-14 hours a week, so it's not too much time away.

So, there's an update!

Unpacking My Books and Loving My Man

While unpacking my books this afternoon, I had this epiphany of sorts, a huge moment of clarity for me. One of those thought changing moments that I have to hold on to.

I was telling Tim's mom about how Tim so kindly checked out some books for me at the library. What a sweet surprise, and really, how it rarely happens. I was taking all these books out of sturdy black bags and I was noticing how so many of them were gifts. Gifts from Tim, from friends and family, strangers/acquaintances.

Books have always made me feel better!

Gosh, I remember at school, how I'd get a new book on the wooden box outside my door! Books have always been the best gifts for me. I'd get a brand new Harry Potter book right after it came out because of my great grades in high school.  Or going to the Christian book store to pick out a bible! Getting a used nook so I could read books for a little cheaper than hard backs, but there really isn't anything like a real book.

I remember earlier this year getting hooked on the Percy Jackson Series and the then series following that (with Percy in them, too). Tim brought me the next book home after work. So many of the books I have kept have been from him! How easy it is for me to take him for granted or just dismiss the great things he does for me because of tiny annoyances.

Oh, those annoyances build up but they really aren't worth the grudges or the aggravation and resulting distance in a marriage.


I am humbled. It's as simple as that.

It's Wednesday

It's Wednesday. For us it usually means getting up before 7, packing up all those clothes and blankets we laid out for a month(a month that turned into nearly 2 months) loading up our car, waking up the kids and feeding them, getting them dressed and putting them in the car before 8 and leaving our house until 5. Trying to find new places to go to occupy our time. For the kids, it's been a real joy discovering new parks, seeing movies, spending time with friends, playing and having picnics. We've tried our darnedest each week for nearly two months letting them have fun for a full day on a *seriously* strick budget, having patience listening to them complain because they don't want to be in the car, filling with joy because we get to see them learn when we introduce new things. We get to hold hands walking around.

All for personal reasons, not to be shared publicly, of course. Stupid reasons that we should not have to deal with.

 

Heck, we've found out about so many places around here that are fun and free. Places I wouldn't have even thought to know about

 

Not today. For the first time in 2 months. We can finally just sit down. We don't have to worry about if we are going to have plans or somewhere to go. If we're going to be able to budget the gas again to travel all over Ohio to entertain our kids (I'm exaggerating because we've gone as far as 20 minutes away for the most part...). We get to sit around with our house full of packed boxes and bags, not sure where anything really is because we're too afraid to open anything and we're okay with that. We're definitely content with not unpacking because we've been packimg and unpacking for two months and we've realized we don't really need a whole lot out.

 

We've happily re-arranged our living space. We changed our rooms around, surrendering our master to the little ones because when you see that all of your little material possessions are in bags in the middle of your room, and your furniture is right there with it, perspective changes. Like how we could barely fit the our toddler's toys and cribs and clothes in the middle of their room but our things had ample space around them, we realized we were being a little selfish. When we realized that they needed a much bigger closet than they had (I  mean, so do we...) and Sehara needed a little bigger of a room and a smaller closet, clarity struck us!

 

So, it may be a little chaotic in here, we may be sitting by a wall of bags and really unsure of what to do next, but we're content sitting here.

This Goes Somewhere Else

I was sitting in our office sideways so I could see into the family(living) room and keep an eye on the little ones. Carson found a little tub of teddy graham cookies (you know, the $1 impulse purchase ones near the checkout) that a lady at church gave him (right at the beginning of our no-refined sugar challenge so it's been sitting around for a while). Madeline wanted some, too, so I was convincing Carson to share. He would give her one here and there until she finally roared at him and he was forced to give her a handful.

I was thinking about how possessive he was being over the graham cookies and contemplating how much to parent, trying to teach him to want to share vs being a helicopter parent, which I feel like I am the majority of the time. Or was he being dominant and trying to mark his territory(still thinking back in the office) and should I let him? But, isn't sharing and kindness more important?

I picked up a needle and plucked a strand of white thread through the hole- it was a smaller needle than I have used before to finish off the bowties from my shop. I hand-sew the middle piece in the back of the bow part, so the collar strap stays on (I use glue too, whatever). I thought I would try the smaller size this time because I keep bending the bigger needles and I'm new at the sewing stuff.

I started making my stitches and just stopped. It's amazing. It's amazing how changing one thing in your life can make such a big difference. Changing the size of the needle put things in perspective for me.

You see, I adore bowties, I think they are perfection with suspenders, they are game changers with sweater vests. But, they are hard for me to make. I have come to resent making them, but I just can't not make them. I have a boy and sometimes I can't find bowties that I like that are what I want and decently priced. So I want to provide those. But there are so many steps to my bowties.

By changing the needle size, I feel like I can do it. My life feels lighter. Like I can sit down and do another few dozen custom orders and not dread all the different steps.

It got me to thinking about some other recent changes I have made. I mean, life is still tough, it's super tough most of the time but there are things I can do to make it easier and I need to figure them out as they come. And those recent changes have, for the most part been a huge relief, life altering. 

Favorite Cake Friday

It was hard to make a cake in Kentucky for 2 reasons: the siblings think they are health nuts and Marybeth's boyfriend's graduation sheet cake made it to the house and they ate on that for over a week. They never would have let me make another one.

SO, I'm delighted to present my cake this week! I made it for Tim, for father's day since we weren't here on the date. Too bad Sehara wasn't home...

I got the recipe from "I am Baker", it's titled "The Perfect Chocolate Cake", then I used her icing recipe, too(under the cake recipe), but it turns out that it's almost the same as the one on the back of the powder sugar bag, plus 1/2 cup whole milk/heavy cream mixed in at the very end.

 Because of how my previous cakes have tasted, I was afraid this would taste too much like eggs, it didn't. I'm pleased. I should have brewed the coffee an hour before I started making the cake though. If you put something hot in with raw eggs, it will cook them. I had to wait 30 minutes to add the coffee. I have the keurig and it brews scolding hot coffee!

I did replace 1/4 of the cocoa powder with dark cocoa powder (so I used 1/4 cup good dark unsweetened cocoa powder and 1/2 cup good unsweetened cocoa powder). I mean, if you call the kroger brand "good". LOL.

Because it was for Tim, I wanted to make it special! EXPERIMENT TIME.
I made a brown sugar blondie recipe and used a mustache cookie cutter, and cut a few mustaches out!

 

It was kind of a pinterest fail. You pour a little batter in your cake pan, place your shapes and then pour the batter around and over them. It's really simple, kind of. I could have executed it better.

I should have just made a white cake, like a really big, skinny one and cut a ton more mustaches out. I think the trick is to put a bunch throughout the pan, together, so they don't have a chance to fall over and lay down. I had to open the oven a few times and adjust them upright. Burned myself, too.

LOL, Tim thought it was a Reese's cake at first, he couldn't see the mustaches. He even took his finger and swiped it to get some peanut butter on there, hahaha. No, those are blonde brownies, ha!

Eh, I'll do better next time. I want to do a polka dot cake!

5 minutes in my head

Remember how I wrote about keeping a notepad with me at all times? It's overrated. Nobody has time for that.

I bet whoever read that blog knew right away I wouldn't keep one on me. *I* tried, tried really hard to remember to take a pad of paper upstairs and keep it on the dresser. Then that got stressful and I'm not going to walk all the way downstairs when I've already laid down in my sweet bliss of cooled down stiff but super smooth sheets. So, I started writing little notes on my phone. Well, the light doesn't dim enough and it hurts my eyes. I also watched something (when I was so bored that I had a 5+ hour long t.v. ritual)  on "The Doctors" or "Dr. Oz" about melatonin secretion and how the blue lights from electronics prohibit that chemical reaction and that's why you should buy the amber lens glasses. So you can go to sleep and be rested. Plus, I'd get sidetracked and drool over cool shirts and elastics on etsy. Life.

All that to say I had the most beautiful snippet of a facebook status update in my head and then I was going to turn it into a blog post because it was too long and I thought about whipping out my phone at the splash pad and writing it and posting it but the phone screen light doesn't get bright enough in the sunlight and I didn't want to squint (and not watch the kids, of course) for 5 minutes. I already have this tan line on my forehead because I squint so much and have weird skin above my nose & between my eyes. I don't know if it's extra skin or just REALLY thick, but it's plain annoying. Reminds me of a butt crack. It's caused me to have a permanent crease too. Sometimes I point out that I have a scar on my forehead and everyone assumes I'm talking about my crease. Well, I'm not. I have a scar and it isn't in that tan line. It's further up. When did this paragraph get so serious???


So this is where I'm left, opening a new post hoping that I'd remember if I started typing, but I just don't. What a bummer.


XOXO- Butt Face

2 Weeks

 Our parent's are on their 30th Wedding Anniversary honeymoon!

I have written before about how much I adore my siblings, or at least I think I have. I've been given the opportunity to house-sit and "watch" them for about 2 weeks.

I definitely use that term loosely because they can be pretty self sufficient. I'm more of just an authority/accountability person. I make sure they don't break the rules & stay alive. Yup.

 

So we've been going to friend's houses, going to parks, exploring local businesses, grocery shopping, cleaning, and cooking a lot. Watching movies, playing basketball, swimming; all the fun things you do on a budget. Driving to Hobbly Lobby to craft special flower halo headbands that she (marybeth) and her friends are going to model for my shop.

The siblings have been so helpful. It's not so hard coming here and helping keep them in line, but it is difficult uprooting 3 children from their routine and putting them in a different environment for 2 weeks, just to go back... They have watched my kids while I have napped (happened once), watched some here and there so I could take another sibling to a friend's house, watched them in the car so I could run in somewhere, etc. 

Daniel fixed the headlights on my van (apparently I have to turn the lights off before I turn the car off or it won't cooperate, even then you have to do a series of knob turning and then this girl has to take a nap because it's just too much).

Michael didn't complain when I put a playpen in his room for Carson to take his naps and sleep at night or when I sent Sehara to bed early and she got scared and made a makeshift bed on his floor.  

Marybeth wrangles the kids together pretty quickly and Tyler has been my right hand man, ready to go at a moments notice. He calculates the grocery bill and tracks things like that. 

They have all pitched in to help me help them. 

We've been able to spend much needed quality time together, where they get to learn about this real/new me, the girl who has calmed down, and learned some patience and life lessons. They are starting to shed this drill sergeant view of me and I like that.

I get to see how they have grown up, too. You can't hide much when you spend just about 24/7 with someone. Areas they need to work on (so I can see how they do in the future), listen to their woes, see their brilliance and laugh with them at their mistakes.

Anyway, this is where I have been!  I haven't been hiding or skipping out on things but I have definitely needed a break from some people in Ohio. #home

Happy Father's Day Tim

Gosh Honey, you're the bees knees! Happy Father's Day.

 

Just a few quick pictures!

Favorite Cake Friday

Friday came a little early this week (like on Tuesday or Wednesday)...

I wanted to make another cake from scratch. It's scary sometimes because I never know how it's going to turn out. I started with a handmade yellow cake that I had written down years ago (I would cite the source but I'm not sure where it came from....). It was a recipe intended for mason jar gifts.

If you can't tell by now, I like to start simple and then get more extravagant and complicated as my confidence increases.

Recipe for Yellow Cake:

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
3 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups milk
1/8 cup vegetable oil
1 stick butter, softened
1 tbsp vanilla extract
3 large eggs



Instructions

Place softened butter into stand mixer and mix on medium for 1-2 minutes.
Place dry ingredients into stand mixer and combine with butter for 30 seconds.
Add milk, oil, vanilla and eggs and mix on medium-high for one minute.
Pour batter into oiled or buttered pans. Bake at 350. 
*For 9-inch pans its 20-25 minutes. For cupcakes start checking around 15 minutes. 

Cool before frosting.


I was a little disappointed at first because the cake tasted like eggs. I frosted it with Hershey's chocolate frosting and it was delicious.

As soon as I feel like it, I'll load my pictures from my phone and update the blog with it.

Spring Family Photos {Anniversary Inspired}

I love photos, anyone who really knows me knows that. I find a way to get photos taken however I can.

Mother's Day Pictures

Easter Photos

And I just realized I never posted about our Fall photos, our Valentine's Day photos, and a few more.


These photos were originally intended to be Anniversary pictures but the snow really got in our way. Every time! Ha! But we finally got them and I'm so pleased with them.

My Boy

Not with my body though. :/ AND the mint tulle skirt I wore was completely wrong for my body, it literally made me look 14 months pregnant. It's a fabulous skirt though. I got it from Lulu and Lavender.  My next purchase from her is that deer sweater... obviously not in any hurry as it's 83 degrees here.

 The photographer, Natalie found some cute buildings in Dayton, purple buildings and blue buildings, gorgeous urban setting.

They were to match our wedding photos. Have you seen them?


I may get around to posting those, too.

Our anniversary is one of my favorite days of the year: Valentine's Day. The best part: Tim can't forget it.

Handsome Carson

The kids were not cooperative. They usually aren't for photos but we do it anyway.

These pictures make it worth it. This Carson. He's contemplative, caring, thinks about things, associates events with other events and puts everything together.

He can be aggressive, though. We have to let him be physically active and "wear him out". He's Tim's clone.

 Madeline likes the chase. I may not give her enough credit, to be honest. I haven't sat and observed her for hours like I have done with Carson.
I have held her for hours(mostly to protect her from Carson's grabbing hands). I still breastfeed her. It's nice. She's a sweetie.

She has a big kind of an attitude and can give the stink-eye like no one else, but I don't think she understands what she's doing.

 Sehara Is nurturing, she craves to be a part of things. Always wants to know what's going on and wants to be active. We are working on her self-esteem, it fluctuates. She loves to help, except if it interferes with anything she is doing.

My Favorite. 

My Girls!